Sexless in the Desert...OkCupid in Scorpionville

The desire to fulfill my need for companionship found me once again scrolling through my Inbox on OKCupid, but this time desert style. The messages exceed the comedic level of those received in my home state of California. Seriously though, with my experience with men…the messages do not surprise me.

“Very sexy. We should do it (insert bad form of phrase) sometime!”…Thanks? I could not respond to this message. I felt suddenly that I died and found myself reincarnated as a prostitute on Harbor Blvd. The young male that wrote these words to me does deserve a high five for brutal honesty on the other hand.

A 19-year-old male said, “Do you have any interest in “hooking up” with a younger guy?” I did not sign up to loseyourvirginitymingle.com. Nowhere in my profile do I report that I am “DTF” jersey shore style…just sayin’.

“I am a professional poker player and I live with my parents.” No honey, I saw a red flag in this message and it screams my parents support my gambling problem.

I went on date with a respectable, nice man, with a job and enjoyed his company in the friend zone, but once again felt my inner fate seeker whisper to me that online dating feels forced. Interview questions for an hour and half (towards the middle of these dates I always wished I stayed at home and read a book). The decent men on OKCupid remind me of little girls dreaming of white picket fences and mini vans (my dreams of the near future involve traveling and a career change…and I would never drive a mini van).

I found a quote today in my pocket book, “Live Love Laugh”, which I felt applied to my dating traumas. “It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.”-Margaret Bonnano.

I decided today to stop the search for companionship. My whole life I bought into the “they lived happily ever after” fantasies, I know my best friend for life will not show up on a white horse, but truthfully I finally realized he would not appear via OkCupid message either. I deleted my app and I’m signing offline, for good.

I believe in fate and love, the old fashioned way. When you catch eyes with someone from across the room and feel compelled to be in their presence whatever the cost. Best friends attempting to live life happily together one day at a time. I know the fairy tale life does not exist, but I do feel if I wait and stop searching, Mr. Right will be worth the wait and together we will attempt to live happily one day at a time.

 Until the day my match-up with fate arrives, I remain sexless in the desert and my online dating life must come to an end (the troubles of single life will still continue via sexless in the desert).

Sexless in the Desert: Salsa+A Man= Love

 As a woman hormones take control of my life once a month and I, like all women, crave food I generally try to avoid. (Before the monthly visitor arrives all women will relate to uncontrollable urges to consume chocolate or junk food…just sayin’.) This week my craving led me to the grocery store in pursuit of my favorite snack…chips and salsa.

Now that I gained independence and moved to the outskirts of Phoenix, I now label myself “Sexless in the Desert” instead of “Sexless in the Suburbs”. Living solo, on occasion I find myself wishing a male would come over and watch episodes of “Two Broke Girls” with me, or I could holla at him when, as a weak woman, I find myself incapable of opening up the salsa jar, so my craving for my favorite snack may be fulfilled.

I spent about 20 minutes last night trying to open a jar of salsa. I twisted and turned the lid in hopes the jar would open. After minutes of frustration and defeat, my hand started to become soar and I felt my dream to eat my beloved snack began to seem impossible. I proceeded to beat the lid with a knife to loosen the mega extreme seal the salsa company placed on the jar for extra long preservation, and finally minutes later my salsa and chip eating could commence as I achieved success in finally opening the jar.

While I held a UFC match against a jar of salsa in my kitchen, I thought to myself about how nice it might be for a buff man from Australia to come waltzing through my pantry door, and with a swift turn (just one attempt in comparison to my 37) he would open my jar of salsa, and maybe even possibly join me for a snack.

Moments where the help of man would eliminate the chance of me breaking my wrist to fulfill my hormonal need for a snack, make me laugh inside, as I remember not only do I remain sexless in the desert aka totally single, but the use of a man for moments of jar opening crisis would be lovely…just sayin’.

Question: Why Did You Move To Arizona

Why did you move to Arizona? If I hear this question one more time I might start charging people for the answer, because I would possibly make next months rent if I charged. Sometimes one answer just does not seem to suffice, so I could create a two-for-one special off multiple answers.

When someone moves do not ask them why, because for a person to actually uproot themselves from the only place they called home for 28 years, more than likely the answer to this question requires a trip to Starbucks for a two hour conversation over a Skinny Vanilla Latte (or a glass of wine and some mac-a-la-truffle if a Starbucks of this class appears in your neighborhood).

Why I moved could be answered in the following ways: Live on my own, gain independence, hang with my bestie and her baby, ran away from Mr. Heartbreaker who conveniently contacted me before leaving (I say conveniently, because a giant flashing neon sign that reports “SHE IS MOVING ON FINE WITHOUT YOU”, makes him feel suddenly compelled to wonder how you are doing...typical male move), felt stuck in a rut, wanted to try something different, excited to not know what will happen next week or a month from now, complete freedom to do whatever I want, finally gaining control of my own destiny…need more, because now I might start charging.

 Along with the reasons above, moving to a completely different place requires a multitude of ways to answer, “Why did you move to Arizona?” At the beginning of the week, the millions of reasons why I did move clouded the real focus of my move to the land of the scorpions.

After attempting to register my car for Arizona license plates (that sh#$ cray…peace late Cali), I called my dad to talk about the experience. I felt homesick a little bit all week and my dad said a few short words to me about everything, “Forget about all the people and things going on out here in California. Remember you went there for a purpose to write and develop yourself. Don’t lose site of why you are there.”

Although the list of reasons I moved could fill up an entire hour interview with Oprah, I pretty quickly stopped being homesick and felt excited about the million answers to why I moved, and especially about the answer at the top of the list.

Question: Why did you move to Arizona?

Answer: So I could follow my dream to write, and not because I love 115 degree weather…just sayin’.

Overwhelming Bipolarism

The best word I would use to describe the way I felt after my new journey started this week would be, overwhelmed (For those of you just signing on I moved from California to Arizona).

All week I felt overwhelmed by my move, I remained in deep thought, full of emotions of the fear of loneliness, as I attempt to live by myself for the first time. Fear of acceptance by new coworkers, customers and people. Fear of the unknown of what tomorrow will bring. But then suddenly throughout all the fears, I started to feel extreme excitement towards the end of the week about it all. (Bipolar hormonal tendencies exist in all women).

Let me illustrate a prime example of how extremely bipolar I became this week, during my overwhelming life changing experience…

One night while conversing with my new coworkers, I discovered that a place where they house criminals resides near me. At first I didn’t think to much about it, because a place referred to as the “Farm” in Orange County practically sat in my backyard for 16 years, but since my emotions seem to be causing me to have mental issues, when I returned home from work that night I tripped harder than a hippie at Woodstock, over the fact that a police helicopter decided to hover over my apartment with its search lights on.

Being completely alone, in a completely different land equals the thing that most overwhelmed me this week. Not knowing anyone in this town scared me. Not feeling capable of completely protecting myself, if my brief thought of a jail breaker catapulting his way into my apartment became reality. I barely slept a wink that night (to feel better when I sleep at night, I might be on the road to taking part in the Arizona Law that allows me to keep a firearm next to my nightstand…just sayin’).

After a discussion with my Arizona mom, I realized towards the end of the week that I live in a safe place, I need to stop letting my mind over analyze every situation (but alas the mind of a writer takes you to some pretty craynuts places), the unknown should not be something I fear, and that I will be learning how to shoot a gun properly in the near future.

Being overwhelmed by new situations life presents, I realized happens to everyone. The key to releasing the fears and overwhelming emotions would be to stay busy and remind yourself the reasons why you chose to make the change. Also learning the art of protecting yourself when venturing into the unknown alone, just makes life a little less scary…just sayin’.

2013 Theme

Quotes, songs, people, and tricky situations all make cameos in my life for a particular purpose and this will always be something I firmly believe in. With every quote read from Marilyn Monroe, bad experience, failed attempt at love, or latest hit single by Bruno Mars or Muse, all these elements of life share a significant ability to help me learn something new about myself or take me a few steps closer to figuring out the purpose for my life.

My beginning to 2013 involved catching this awful FLU virus that plagues our nation, working full time, packing for my life change move to the desert, and spending time with people I will dearly miss, while I take my life in a new direction.  My emotions about the physical act of leaving my hometown for the past 29 years and the first few weeks of 2013 would be described as, bitter sweet.

Today on my lunch break the quote above appeared on my Facebook “News Feed” (I use quotations, because most Facebook status’s would not be described as “newsworthy” in any of my journalism classes during college…we should probably call it a Life Feed…just sayin).  For the past two weeks I shared my move with my dear customers at work, who I will miss as well, each one asked me why I decided to move, my answer now to everyone will be the quote above (most people think I might possibly be insane for leaving the beautiful land of Southern California).

As I started growing older and closer to my 30’s, I began to realize life might be a lot shorter than I anticipated. As a child I couldn’t wait to be 16 so I could drive, I wanted to be 18 so people would see me as an adult (LOL 18 shouldn’t even be close to the legal adult age in this country), or 21 so I could legally buy alcohol, but around 25 the reality of true adulthood hit after college and sh@# got real pretty fast. No one hands things to you as easily as my dad handed me his ATM card for mini-shopping sprees at Target during high school, and now I realize that constant change becomes necessary to achieve things I dreamed of providing for myself as a child (You know…the ideas we all daydream about for our adult selves).

The beginning of my 2013 enlightened me to the reasons why I decided to move, because the songs, quotes, people and situations I experienced in 2012 helped me recognize what I desired for my future (my parents provided a lot for me growing up, but they do not hold the key to my own personal success and happiness).  I no longer want to wait for other people to see my potential, and as every year passes, I no longer feel time remains on my side.

The world will continue without me one day, but as I enter the last year of my 20’s, (which excites me since I now believe I rock at life and I’m finally moving closer towards my goal of cutting my umbilical cord from my parents) I feel compelled to start my own change and spend more time working towards reaching the highest potential I am capable of achieving during my time spent on this beautiful Earth.

P.S. I look forward to 2013 and the path it holds for me, what quote or realization inspired you at the beginning of this year? 

HappyNewYear Y'all

Another year draws to a close and I once again sit alone on New Years Eve, which seems to be a tragic reoccurrence these past few years. Working in retail never allows me to thoroughly enjoy the holidays at the level I would normally wish to (if it were up to me I would be sipping bubbly with some friends right now…just sayin). Also the element of being totally single makes this holiday, like Valentines Day, a day that I actually avoid going out on, since I would be the only one among my friends kiss-less at midnight.

My 60 year old something parents even decided to spend the night out on this joyous day everyone celebrates. They invited me to attend dinner at my grandparent’s retirement home, but I thought cooking frozen chicken nuggets, drinking two beers, and watching a movie with my dog sounded like the less depressing option for my end to 2012.

On this day people tend to reflect on the year that just passed. People post novels about their year on Facebook and generally talk about how this year sucked the big one and hopefully next year will remain less tragic. I read about 20 New Years resolutions, which most included losing 10-20 pounds that more than likely were added to people’s waistlines during the holidays.

My year in a nutshell involved heartbreak, stress, working, spending good times and bad times with friends, being forced out of my childhood home, dealing with family drama that generally remained secretly concealed from the public, the start of a blog (which suffered due to some of these travesties on my life), and the crazy notion of deciding to move to another state to gain independence and start living life for myself.

Throughout my hectic emotional year though, I learned a lot about the characteristics of my family and friends, love, dreams, reality and most of all the importance of change. Most of all, I learned a lot about myself and I am proud that even when I face defeat, I am able to wake up the next day, find humor in every experience, and create strength with in myself to eventually turn each situation into a positive lesson learned.

My new years resolution does not involve losing weight, I am chubby and enjoy food too much for any of that nonsense, but it involves a cheers to change and a cheers to myself. I look forward to my new journey that’s about to take place, I welcome all the change that it entails, I hope to become even stronger at the end of next year, and I openly welcome all the wisdom and insight I will gain while exploring my dreams. I also plan to blog daily for a year straight. Happy New Year to all and to all a good night... literally I am about to fall asleep at 8 o’clock.

P.S. What change will you embrace next year? I hope you decide on a change that is not superficial and rather one that includes an impact on yourself that helps inspire others.

Styna Just Sayin'...#Change

 

The decision to move to a completely different state did not come easy. Along the way many emotions confronted my soul and tried to stop me from making this major step towards change. Fear, anger, sadness, WTF am I doing, and holy hell I’m going to be broke, topped the list of reasons why a change for my life of this magnitude made me feel uneasy. As the time to moving draws closer though, I know deep in my soul that this extreme catapult into the unknown will most definitely be worth it in the long run.

As I drove down Pacific Coast Highway today, I felt sad that the beach would no longer be a quick drive from my house. Driving down PCH in Orange County and listening to music became something that soothed my soul on a bad day throughout my 13 years of driving. I grew up hitting the beach for field trips and roasting marshmallows at bonfires on a Friday night in high school. Moving away from the ocean and my bubble for the past 29 years did not equal an easy decision.

I always wanted to write for a living and ideas for books continue to pile up inside my little brain. I never thought a year ago that I would become a cliché. Uproot myself, like most writers, to the middle of no where Phoenix, and seclude myself from the people I love, so that I finally start making my dream a reality (which with my writing I hope to inspire others to do so as well… “Dreams won’t always take you on a straight path to destiny, but they’re related to what your soul wants for you. They’ll force you to ask yourself hard questions, they’ll kick you’re a@#, and more importantly they’ll turn you on.” #KellyCutron).

The only thing I’m hoping that separates me from a total writers cliché (knock on wood), would be the killer at the end of the 27 bad scary movies I've viewed about writers that go to the woods to write a novel and wind up murdered (this would be an example of fear and uneasiness, I’m a writer, I think of all scenarios bad and good). I feel that my ideas and talent make this crazy move to the desert worth the thousands of emotions that make this decision not easy, but like the quote above I know for my soul’s sake, this pursuit of my dream will be worth attempting and it definitely won’t lack delicious ambiguity… I’m just sayin’.

P.S. What dream does your soul keep asking you to follow?